Jerry Falwell

Jerry Falwell, one of the originators of the Christian Right, died last week. I can't say that I mourn him, but his death made me rethink my feelings about him and his views.

Falwell became vocal in national politics during my former life as a Christian at Houghton College. Even at that time I was put off by his views, although I never would have admitted it. Later, when I virtually turned my back on fundamentalist Christianity and ultimately, religion in general, I realized how repulsed I was by just about everything Falwell said.

Since I've returned to evangelical Christianity, I've become much more tolerant of fundamentalist views, although I don't embrace them. One might think that I would have become equally tolerant of Jerry Falwell.

Now, after his death, I'm realizing I did not become more tolerant of him, but he did not make me any angrier either. He bravely said some mighty stupid things, but I recognize that he has played an important role. He got people thinking and talking. I still don't respect him and I don't like the polarization he helped to create. But in his own way, he brought God's word to millions of people.

No, I don't respect him; in fact, I feel a bit sorry for him, don't ask me why. I guess I feel sorry for people who live in small boxes, and his seemed pretty small. However, I am grateful to him for making me consider my own beliefs more carefully.

The Sabbath (again)

I've been doing a lot of thinking about how I observe the Sabbath, and how I can better observe it. No big answers yet about the latter. On a usual weekend, my Sabbath starts between 3:30 and 4:00 Saturday afternoon. I start getting ready for church and attend the 5:00 service. That part is great. I like going then, it's a good atmosphere, and the singing and preaching are fulfilling.

Unfortunately a letdown follows the service. I realize for the umpteenth time that I'm at loose ends on a Saturday night, which to me has always been a time to have fun and/or relax. These days I just feel achingly grindingly lonely. From time to time, I do go out to dinner with friends, which is fine but exhausting. My best Saturday nights were spent with my significant other going out for dinner and maybe a movie or a concert, or going home to watch a video, play games, or just relax. But my significant other is gone and I'm not even looking to replace him.

So then I may go home and cook, which is work (at least the cleaning up part) or I tear my hair out deciding where I can go out to eat alone that doesn't feel uncomfortable. Inevitably I drink too much to numb out and then watch a movie or stupid TV because I'm too tired to do anything else. If not for that, Sunday morning would be fine since I usually hike then, a nice long hike in a beautiful place. But the effects of the previous evening usually make me feel sluggish and not too good about myself. After the hike I come home and get ready for the week so Sabbath is pretty much over at that point.

I don't think this is what God intends for the Sabbath. It's supposed to be a time of rejuvenation. I honestly don't know how to make that happen. I've prayed about it, but God is making me wait for the answer. Meanwhile, another Saturday night approaches.