Days Like This

On days like this, I look and sound totally normal, just like everyone else, while my stomach churns, my feet feel like lead, and my heart burns with pain.

On days like this, Satan wins. I can see him clapping his hands in glee as I work hard to prepare for a meeting, only to get cut down.

On days like this, I forget I'm doing this not for me, but for some higher purpose that God has yet to reveal.

On days like this, I drown the ache of loneliness in alcohol, enjoying a bit of numbness and relief from the pain before I go to bed.

On days like this, the majority now, I continue the pattern of avoiding my friends. Most of them have made it clear they don't want to hear about it. The one friend who will listen is someone who I'm not really supposed to be talking to. But he is kind and patient, and listens without judgment and with compassion.

On days like this I still pray even though God doesn't seem to answer.

Working Towards a Better Outlook

Things feel pretty bad for me lately - I truly hate my job and my personal life has basically fallen apart because of that. I have to try hard to hold it together, and it's difficult work. Depression and self-pity are never very far away. But working through this is preferable to giving up.

It is very sucky when those above me play favorites and I get ignored. The good news for the moment is that at least I’m not getting negative attention. What I believe I need to do is to redirect my own attention to what I must do to get out of here. If I dwell on this issue, I deal with it in less than an adult way. There is nothing I can do about it.

And as far as my taking it to mean that I am "less than", that if I were different or “better” I would get the attention and approval I seek - that line of thought does not deserve to be followed. God made me who I am for reasons of His own. He values me and loves me as much as anyone else. His plan for me uses my unique personality, abilities, and talents.

I have a tendency to deny my own worth based on someone else’s shitty treatment of me. Why take that on myself? Admit how much it hurts, sympathize with myself, and move away from it. It’s a hard thing to do, especially when it’s in my face so much. So here are some suggestions I make to myself:

• As it’s happening, when it’s in my face especially – but also in other times when it’s getting me down, remind myself that God love me so much. He delights in me, and his love and faithfulness matter a whole lot more than the approvals of these jerks I’m dealing with.
• Come up with a plan to get out of here and remind myself I’m headed back to the Old Country when the time is right.
• Focus on those tasks and skills that will help me get out of here. Put my energies into them. Do my best, and remind myself why I’m doing them and how they will benefit both myself and others, even if no one ever acknowledges them.
• Remember that God can make good use of this sucky stuff. There is pain, but there is also gain. Growth will result from this.
• Running under the radar isn’t necessarily a bad thing. Away from scrutiny, I can do my own thing and perhaps feel a bit freer to be myself.
• As I said in my last post, look for the humor in it. Lately I’ve heard programs on the radio in which professional comedians found humor in their situations of dealing with their own cancer. Their laughter helped them to heal. If they can find humor in such a horrific situation, I can find it in this one. This setting is rife with insecure, pompous know-it-alls who get all worked up over meaningless details. Sounds like perfect fodder to me.

Taking a Turn for the Worse - Laughter, Please

My posts, mainly thoughtful and sedate up until now, are about to take a turn for the worst. I imagine that no one will really want to read them. I don't really care. I need write, because life right now is pretty sucky and there is no end in sight. Maybe in writing about the days I experience, which by and large are more unpleasant, frustrating, lonely, discouraging and stressful than just about anything else, I'll somehow see the humor in it all. One bright moment of laughter can change my mindset enough sometimes to help me make it through the rest of the day.

My job right now is the bane of my existence. I'm alternately jerked around and ignored; there is no middle point. I find myself at the bottom of the heap looking up people's asses. It's not a pretty view, and behold!, they're all human just like me. All insecure, trying to look like they know everything. When I can shed my misery, it's amusing. Sometimes I get a glimmer of compassion. I suppose that's what God wants. Surely, He's there, I tell myself. Perhaps He sees the humor; certainly He feels compassion. I wonder what use He has for me in this situation. In those few moments when I can rise out of bitterness and self-pity, I can actually believe something good might come of this.

That's why I have to work on the humor. It's light and I'm way too burdened by fear and insecurity. Not a point and laugh, humiliation sort of humor, if that's humor at all, but more like "oh aren't people ridiculous" as in Dilbert humor. Guess that's what I'll pray for tonight, seeing my prayers for other kinds of relief have been met with silence.

Meaning in Ecclesiastes

Apart from the characters and their stories, Old Testament reading can be slow going for me. Recently I tried making my way through the Minor Prophets. I’m ashamed to say I didn’t get much out of it, except for an enhanced appreciation of Biblical imagery and poetry and a big reminder of God’s anger, judgment, and mercy.

Deciding to break from the Prophets, I felt led to the Wisdom Literature. I wondered about this. In the past I found books like Proverbs and Ecclesiastes to be discouraging and depressing, full of truths and suggestions I couldn’t live up to, and diatribes about the pointlessness of every day life. But God guided me to Ecclesiastes anyway, so there I went.

What a pleasant surprise. Rather than depressing me, I’ve found the ideas to be liberating. Life is meaningless without God. All my ideas, thoughts, actions, all that I am, comes to nothing without Him. I can actually look at all I have to do and let it go by saying “’Meaningless! Meaningless!’ says the Teacher. ‘Utterly meaningless! Everything is meaningless.’” (Eccl. 1:2) Then I can draw meaning from my faith in Jesus, dedicate my life to Him anew, and listen to his guidance.

This is important to me because I have tried to get my To Do list together and keep it updated. I have tried to accomplish everything, stay open to new ideas and be eternally flexible while still establishing boundaries. I can’t do it – I know because I had the perfect opportunity to try: Extended time off work with pay. There’s too much. It’s a swirl, and when I try to totally organize it, I go nuts with frustration. Impossible.

Here is my lesson from this time in my life. Love and trust God, take a deep breath, and listen. Relax, do what I am led to do through His guidance and my own intelligence and common sense. The rest has to go. Not without some initial frustration and perhaps later regret at times. I will have to live with some ambiguity. But God puts meaning to it all, even the part I’ve let go. How beautiful, simple and real.

I'm very thankful for this Old Testament book that God is opening up to me.