Difficult Truths and Learning to Forgive

Since my return to New England and my family, I’ve begun to face some difficult truths.

I have returned to a closed family system. I am as shut out as I was when I lived a continent away. This should not be surprising, as it is the pattern down through the generations. Once on the outside, always on the outside. I’ve reached the conclusion that trying to change it would be unproductive, cause permanent damage to already fragile egos and relationships, and place unnecessary stress on myself. Accept it and do my best. Form new relationships that will make up for the lack of family intimacy.

I’m working to accept that my family shows no understanding or compassion toward me, my life, or the various situations I find myself in. It is all my fault, my doing, and I should put up with it or shut up. Beating myself up isn’t a bad idea either. I’m the one everyone loves to compare him/herself to because they will always come out on top.

With the exception of my parents, I am an integral part of no one’s life. After they die, this will be even more the case. As far as my family goes, I am here for two reasons: to spend more time with my parents in their final years, and to deal with matters regarding Camp, the family summer home. Camp is the one and only thing that will keep me communicating with anyone in my family after my parents die.

The abuse that I experienced early in life, partially at the hands of a family member, has shaped my life and patterns of interaction in some unfortunate ways. Nothing is going to change that. Again, something I can work to accept without liking it.

Perhaps I needed to be away for so long so that I could face these truths without totally going over the edge – and to say this: I returned so that I could learn to forgive. I have spent too much of my life in anger, bitterness and resentment, shutting people out and missing out in ways I can hardly imagine. To truly learn to forgive, I need to start with the earliest, and most horrendous, wrongs of my life. I’ve returned to face them, stare them down, and accept them without becoming a victim again.

A couple of caring people have pointed out to me recently that I have faced less than ideal conditions in the past few months. Nothing like stating the obvious, but their point is that I need to stop being so hard on myself. I’m doing my best. When the wind howls in my face it is not my doing. The best thing I can do for myself is to be good to myself, even with others aren’t – especially when they aren’t. I can treat myself with the understanding and compassion that I should get from my family but do not. And I can do that while forgiving them. Therein lies any future I may have.