On not being Dumped by God

For me right now, things are seem as bad as they ever have. In many ways, it appears as if God brought me back here to New England from California and dumped me. Family relationships are strained, my job is not going well and will probably end soon, my living situation isn’t great, and I haven’t established new relationships here yet and suffer from grinding loneliness. Plus, the weather has been just awful this winter.

As hard as it is, as depressed as I get sometimes – even bordering on suicidal - as hopeless as things seem in terms of my family, my career, and the possibility of ever getting married again, I know that spring is coming. I have found a church that I like. It’s vital and alive. One of its ministries is the Stephen Ministry, a peer counseling program. Stephen Ministers receive many hours of training to minister one on one, helping those going through difficult times. I’ve met twice with my Stephen Minister, and both times she has said that she doesn’t believe God brought me back here to dump me. I have to believe that too. I do believe it, even the midst of incredible negativity. I hold on to this belief with all I have, because right now it is the best I have, and I believe it comes from God.

I hardly know what to call this belief. Ray of hope, beacon of light, bright spot down the tunnel – none of those phrases quite work. It has less to do with light than with substance. It is more like rock than light. I can almost touch this thing, it’s so solid. Here is the KJ version of Hebrews 11:1 “Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen.” This faith is like a super hard polished stone that bounces enough reflected light back into my downtrodden spirit to move through another day without giving up despite all the messages coming from various quarters that I’m just not good enough. Those messages can’t penetrate this stone of faith.

Hear this: I am not giving up. And even if I sound like I am, I’m not.

Meaning in Ecclesiastes

Apart from the characters and their stories, Old Testament reading can be slow going for me. Recently I tried making my way through the Minor Prophets. I’m ashamed to say I didn’t get much out of it, except for an enhanced appreciation of Biblical imagery and poetry and a big reminder of God’s anger, judgment, and mercy.

Deciding to break from the Prophets, I felt led to the Wisdom Literature. I wondered about this. In the past I found books like Proverbs and Ecclesiastes to be discouraging and depressing, full of truths and suggestions I couldn’t live up to, and diatribes about the pointlessness of every day life. But God guided me to Ecclesiastes anyway, so there I went.

What a pleasant surprise. Rather than depressing me, I’ve found the ideas to be liberating. Life is meaningless without God. All my ideas, thoughts, actions, all that I am, comes to nothing without Him. I can actually look at all I have to do and let it go by saying “’Meaningless! Meaningless!’ says the Teacher. ‘Utterly meaningless! Everything is meaningless.’” (Eccl. 1:2) Then I can draw meaning from my faith in Jesus, dedicate my life to Him anew, and listen to his guidance.

This is important to me because I have tried to get my To Do list together and keep it updated. I have tried to accomplish everything, stay open to new ideas and be eternally flexible while still establishing boundaries. I can’t do it – I know because I had the perfect opportunity to try: Extended time off work with pay. There’s too much. It’s a swirl, and when I try to totally organize it, I go nuts with frustration. Impossible.

Here is my lesson from this time in my life. Love and trust God, take a deep breath, and listen. Relax, do what I am led to do through His guidance and my own intelligence and common sense. The rest has to go. Not without some initial frustration and perhaps later regret at times. I will have to live with some ambiguity. But God puts meaning to it all, even the part I’ve let go. How beautiful, simple and real.

I'm very thankful for this Old Testament book that God is opening up to me.