Feeling Grateful: Gore & the Red Sox

Life is so good.

Al Gore & colleagues won the Nobel Peace Prize. Way to go, Al! How proud I am to share his name.

My beloved Red Sox decisively won game 1 of the AL Championship Series against the Cleveland Indians. Way to go, Bo Sox! As in 2004, I'll be wearing my Sox team cap and red socks whenever possible. I plan to sleep in my 2004 Red Sox World Series Champions t-shirt.

I am very glad that these things can make me happy at a very uncertain time in my life. I recall four dark years not so long ago when I prayed each night to die in my sleep and then awoke in the morning feeling angry that I was still alive. Sure, the ups and downs of losing my job and going it alone in life can weigh me down. But if I can feel joy over these events then I'm doing pretty well.

The choir is singing in church tonight. Yes, life is good!

A Clear Mind

God wants me to open myself up to him by clearning away the debris of anxieties, cares, to-do's. If I can clear a path through those - the wider the better - He will honor that effort and make his way in.

Previously I had thought that the worries themselves were some sort of conduit that God was using to speak to me. Perhaps he does use those things to teach me sometimes. But He doesn't need them - He wants to speak to me directly and more often than not all the junk of life threatens to drown Him out. Spirit to spirit communication is what He wants, albeit a great spirit to a much lesser one.

When I commune with God through prayer and meditation, a clear mind is best. I can then rest in Him and open myself to truly listen to Him.

Marriage and Children - Life Decisions

Last weekend I went to my nephew/future niece-in-law's wedding shower. I was the only female in my generation who was single. I don't mind at all being without children; I do mind the social ostracization that goes with being both single and childless.

Choosing not to have children is one of the few major decisions in my life that I truly thought out, and except for a random minute now and then (totalling no more than 5), I have had no regrets. Unlike so many people with and without children, I chose my parental status with eyes open. I have great respect for those who did the same, whether or not they are parents. Most of those people are happy with their status as well.

Of course those who truly wanted children with reasonable expectations are respected. People like me are judged and scorned, called selfish and childhaters. Yes, it bothers me - but whatever. This is one area where I truly believe I've followed God's will for my life. Heck, I ruined my marriage by my bad behavior, and I continue to suffer the consequences, make poor choices, and have an attitude about men and marriage that just sucks. So at least I made one good decision that I don't have to worry about while trying to clean up after that bad ones.

Aging, The Ordinary, and Gratefulness

As I approach my 50th birthday, I have been contemplating the negative and positive effects of aging more and more while I experience them. As we age, our preferences in reading material, music, food, movies, leisure activities in general, and so many other things begin to narrow. I used to eat just about anything and enjoy all types of music, but my tolerance for bad food and raucous music has diminished to a pinpoint.

Yet I have found that in some ways, just the opposite may occur, in that I am pleased even more by the simple and ordinary things of life that I used to take for granted.

Here I am at my family's summer place on a quiet lake in central New Hampshire. The sun has been absent the past few days, replaced by thick clouds and occasional showers. It's humid and dank. The towel I used to dry myself after yesterday's shower is still damp.

In my childhood, days like this, especially two or more in a row stuck in a smallish cabin with my family – no swimming, limited boating and uncomfortable hiking - would be cause for much stress and unhappiness. After all, those were the activities we traveled here for.

In contrast, I have savored these past few days. I have sat on the porch reading and writing, frequently looking up to view the changing scene before me. The morphing cloud formations, the march of rain across the lake, the clouds lifting to reveal the Belknap Mountains miles away. Taking a stretch break, I stand on the deck and breathe deeply, taking in the scent of the moist pine tress around me and the carpet of pine needles on the ground. Crouching on the dock, I watch minnows swim by in the clear water, and a mussel or two moving along the sandy bottom at a glacial pace. On the rocky beach, I observe for the umpteenth time in my life how much more beautiful the rocks are in the water than on dry land, the variety of colors more intense when wet.

I sit. I may think or pray, although just being is more than good enough. I am grateful. These ordinary God-given things that surround me fill me with deep joy and thanksgiving.

Saturday Night Fellowship

At the urging of some friends, I approached my church's connection center about forming a Saturday evening fellowship. My vision is to form an informal group of Christians to share discussion and an activity (like a meal) after the Saturday service, keeping up the momentum from the service. Any adult would be welcome, and children too if they're accompanied by an adult. No limits on demographics.

I got a call a few days later from a volunteer with the singles ministry. He tried to redirect me to other groups, none of which meet on Saturday, and all directed at singles he believes are my age. I told him what I was trying to do, and he said he would pass it along to the intern minister of the singles ministry.

Lonely Single Woman Without Date on Saturday Night Looks to Form Group. I could just hear the headline in his head.

That was two weeks ago and I've heard nothing. I'm not going to let it go though. I will find a better approach and the right person to talk to, not in the singles ministry. If I have to, I'll form it myself using Craigslist and Yahoo Groups but that's fraught with dangers. I'd much rather do it through the church. No, not giving up yet.

Jerry Falwell

Jerry Falwell, one of the originators of the Christian Right, died last week. I can't say that I mourn him, but his death made me rethink my feelings about him and his views.

Falwell became vocal in national politics during my former life as a Christian at Houghton College. Even at that time I was put off by his views, although I never would have admitted it. Later, when I virtually turned my back on fundamentalist Christianity and ultimately, religion in general, I realized how repulsed I was by just about everything Falwell said.

Since I've returned to evangelical Christianity, I've become much more tolerant of fundamentalist views, although I don't embrace them. One might think that I would have become equally tolerant of Jerry Falwell.

Now, after his death, I'm realizing I did not become more tolerant of him, but he did not make me any angrier either. He bravely said some mighty stupid things, but I recognize that he has played an important role. He got people thinking and talking. I still don't respect him and I don't like the polarization he helped to create. But in his own way, he brought God's word to millions of people.

No, I don't respect him; in fact, I feel a bit sorry for him, don't ask me why. I guess I feel sorry for people who live in small boxes, and his seemed pretty small. However, I am grateful to him for making me consider my own beliefs more carefully.

The Sabbath (again)

I've been doing a lot of thinking about how I observe the Sabbath, and how I can better observe it. No big answers yet about the latter. On a usual weekend, my Sabbath starts between 3:30 and 4:00 Saturday afternoon. I start getting ready for church and attend the 5:00 service. That part is great. I like going then, it's a good atmosphere, and the singing and preaching are fulfilling.

Unfortunately a letdown follows the service. I realize for the umpteenth time that I'm at loose ends on a Saturday night, which to me has always been a time to have fun and/or relax. These days I just feel achingly grindingly lonely. From time to time, I do go out to dinner with friends, which is fine but exhausting. My best Saturday nights were spent with my significant other going out for dinner and maybe a movie or a concert, or going home to watch a video, play games, or just relax. But my significant other is gone and I'm not even looking to replace him.

So then I may go home and cook, which is work (at least the cleaning up part) or I tear my hair out deciding where I can go out to eat alone that doesn't feel uncomfortable. Inevitably I drink too much to numb out and then watch a movie or stupid TV because I'm too tired to do anything else. If not for that, Sunday morning would be fine since I usually hike then, a nice long hike in a beautiful place. But the effects of the previous evening usually make me feel sluggish and not too good about myself. After the hike I come home and get ready for the week so Sabbath is pretty much over at that point.

I don't think this is what God intends for the Sabbath. It's supposed to be a time of rejuvenation. I honestly don't know how to make that happen. I've prayed about it, but God is making me wait for the answer. Meanwhile, another Saturday night approaches.