Difficult Truths and Learning to Forgive

Since my return to New England and my family, I’ve begun to face some difficult truths.

I have returned to a closed family system. I am as shut out as I was when I lived a continent away. This should not be surprising, as it is the pattern down through the generations. Once on the outside, always on the outside. I’ve reached the conclusion that trying to change it would be unproductive, cause permanent damage to already fragile egos and relationships, and place unnecessary stress on myself. Accept it and do my best. Form new relationships that will make up for the lack of family intimacy.

I’m working to accept that my family shows no understanding or compassion toward me, my life, or the various situations I find myself in. It is all my fault, my doing, and I should put up with it or shut up. Beating myself up isn’t a bad idea either. I’m the one everyone loves to compare him/herself to because they will always come out on top.

With the exception of my parents, I am an integral part of no one’s life. After they die, this will be even more the case. As far as my family goes, I am here for two reasons: to spend more time with my parents in their final years, and to deal with matters regarding Camp, the family summer home. Camp is the one and only thing that will keep me communicating with anyone in my family after my parents die.

The abuse that I experienced early in life, partially at the hands of a family member, has shaped my life and patterns of interaction in some unfortunate ways. Nothing is going to change that. Again, something I can work to accept without liking it.

Perhaps I needed to be away for so long so that I could face these truths without totally going over the edge – and to say this: I returned so that I could learn to forgive. I have spent too much of my life in anger, bitterness and resentment, shutting people out and missing out in ways I can hardly imagine. To truly learn to forgive, I need to start with the earliest, and most horrendous, wrongs of my life. I’ve returned to face them, stare them down, and accept them without becoming a victim again.

A couple of caring people have pointed out to me recently that I have faced less than ideal conditions in the past few months. Nothing like stating the obvious, but their point is that I need to stop being so hard on myself. I’m doing my best. When the wind howls in my face it is not my doing. The best thing I can do for myself is to be good to myself, even with others aren’t – especially when they aren’t. I can treat myself with the understanding and compassion that I should get from my family but do not. And I can do that while forgiving them. Therein lies any future I may have.

On not being Dumped by God

For me right now, things are seem as bad as they ever have. In many ways, it appears as if God brought me back here to New England from California and dumped me. Family relationships are strained, my job is not going well and will probably end soon, my living situation isn’t great, and I haven’t established new relationships here yet and suffer from grinding loneliness. Plus, the weather has been just awful this winter.

As hard as it is, as depressed as I get sometimes – even bordering on suicidal - as hopeless as things seem in terms of my family, my career, and the possibility of ever getting married again, I know that spring is coming. I have found a church that I like. It’s vital and alive. One of its ministries is the Stephen Ministry, a peer counseling program. Stephen Ministers receive many hours of training to minister one on one, helping those going through difficult times. I’ve met twice with my Stephen Minister, and both times she has said that she doesn’t believe God brought me back here to dump me. I have to believe that too. I do believe it, even the midst of incredible negativity. I hold on to this belief with all I have, because right now it is the best I have, and I believe it comes from God.

I hardly know what to call this belief. Ray of hope, beacon of light, bright spot down the tunnel – none of those phrases quite work. It has less to do with light than with substance. It is more like rock than light. I can almost touch this thing, it’s so solid. Here is the KJ version of Hebrews 11:1 “Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen.” This faith is like a super hard polished stone that bounces enough reflected light back into my downtrodden spirit to move through another day without giving up despite all the messages coming from various quarters that I’m just not good enough. Those messages can’t penetrate this stone of faith.

Hear this: I am not giving up. And even if I sound like I am, I’m not.

Changing my Mind about Facebook

I recently made a cross-country move alone, an amazing, wonderful, stressful and sometimes frightening life event. I now live in Massachusetts, near where I grew up, but far enough away for things to still seem new and novel. And I lived in California for 15 years, so much has changed. More to the point of this post, I no longer have close friends here from earlier in my life. Although all my family is here and I'm close to my sister, it's not the same as having friends.

I'll make them in time, I'm sure. In the meantime, I miss my friends in California terribly. When I think about them, sometimes tears spring to my eyes, tears of gratefulness, joy, and occasionally regret that I didn't pay more attention to them or spend more time with them.

When I left California, I determined to stay in touch with them. I've never been good at staying touch with people, so this has been a big challenge for me. How am I doing it? My main tool has been Facebook. This is surprising for me, because not too long ago, I really disliked Facebook. The one and only reason I set up a profile is that almost everything in my profession did it as well. Here is a piece of an email I wrote to a friend:

>>I fear I am just an old fuddy-duddy, but here is my rant about Facebook:

"Facebook is a social utility that connects you with the people around
you." Huh? Instead of talking to them, you greet them electronically
with some absurd pretend plant or emotion? How meaningful is that?

Another objection I have is that it becomes a competitive thing. Who has
the most connections, applications, communications, etc.? It's not about
real connection, it's a numbers game. Find everyone you have ever known
and "friend" them. If you happen to run into them in person, maybe they
will give you the time of day and maybe not.

Do I really care what someone I barely knew in high school is doing at
this moment?

Incredible time waster too.

It's a young people's thing, and that's fine with me. I don't get it and
have a hard time making it work for me. LinkedIn is good because the
basis for the relationship is clear.<<

I think I also mentioned later that it stinks in the usability department.

My views haven't entirely changed, although now I realize that Facebook for me is what I make it. I find it easy, fun and gratifying to keep of track my friends' activities. Hopefully they feel the same way about me. There are at least a couple of people who I feel I know better since I left because of the personal content they add to Facebook. Now I wish all my friends were on it.

No, I still don't agree with or buy into the competitive aspect. I only friend people I know or want to know personally and/or professionally. I share for the sake of sharing, not to one-up someone. I play the occasional game to connect as well as have fun. I still don't get, and probably never will, the giving of virtual gifts. And I haven't changed my mind about Facebook's usability issues.

Facebook is helping me maintain my California connections in an important and meaningful way. For that I am grateful. I look forward to using it to find and maintain connections here in New England as well.

Grace

My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness. - 2 Cor. 12:9

Recently I've been contemplating God's grace, a concept that I hadn't given much thought to before. These words of Dallas Willard are what started me down this road: "Grace is God acting in our lives to bring about what we do not deserve and cannot accomplish on our own." (How Does the Disciple Live?)

The promise of God's grace makes it possible for me to both surrender to His will and to feel confident in it. For a long time, when I tried to work out which way to go or what action to take in my life, I would think through all I knew and then pray about it, hoping to get some sort of direction. Often I do not, so I would make a decision and then remind myself that anything can happen. Depending on my mood, I would project the "anything" to be either bad or good. Now my practice is to make the commitment to God daily that I will surrender to His will and trust in His grace. After doing that, saying "anything can happen" brings a sense of wonder rather than a tendency to predict. Awareness of God's grace help me to let go and live in the present, totally trusting in God.

Days Like This

On days like this, I look and sound totally normal, just like everyone else, while my stomach churns, my feet feel like lead, and my heart burns with pain.

On days like this, Satan wins. I can see him clapping his hands in glee as I work hard to prepare for a meeting, only to get cut down.

On days like this, I forget I'm doing this not for me, but for some higher purpose that God has yet to reveal.

On days like this, I drown the ache of loneliness in alcohol, enjoying a bit of numbness and relief from the pain before I go to bed.

On days like this, the majority now, I continue the pattern of avoiding my friends. Most of them have made it clear they don't want to hear about it. The one friend who will listen is someone who I'm not really supposed to be talking to. But he is kind and patient, and listens without judgment and with compassion.

On days like this I still pray even though God doesn't seem to answer.

Working Towards a Better Outlook

Things feel pretty bad for me lately - I truly hate my job and my personal life has basically fallen apart because of that. I have to try hard to hold it together, and it's difficult work. Depression and self-pity are never very far away. But working through this is preferable to giving up.

It is very sucky when those above me play favorites and I get ignored. The good news for the moment is that at least I’m not getting negative attention. What I believe I need to do is to redirect my own attention to what I must do to get out of here. If I dwell on this issue, I deal with it in less than an adult way. There is nothing I can do about it.

And as far as my taking it to mean that I am "less than", that if I were different or “better” I would get the attention and approval I seek - that line of thought does not deserve to be followed. God made me who I am for reasons of His own. He values me and loves me as much as anyone else. His plan for me uses my unique personality, abilities, and talents.

I have a tendency to deny my own worth based on someone else’s shitty treatment of me. Why take that on myself? Admit how much it hurts, sympathize with myself, and move away from it. It’s a hard thing to do, especially when it’s in my face so much. So here are some suggestions I make to myself:

• As it’s happening, when it’s in my face especially – but also in other times when it’s getting me down, remind myself that God love me so much. He delights in me, and his love and faithfulness matter a whole lot more than the approvals of these jerks I’m dealing with.
• Come up with a plan to get out of here and remind myself I’m headed back to the Old Country when the time is right.
• Focus on those tasks and skills that will help me get out of here. Put my energies into them. Do my best, and remind myself why I’m doing them and how they will benefit both myself and others, even if no one ever acknowledges them.
• Remember that God can make good use of this sucky stuff. There is pain, but there is also gain. Growth will result from this.
• Running under the radar isn’t necessarily a bad thing. Away from scrutiny, I can do my own thing and perhaps feel a bit freer to be myself.
• As I said in my last post, look for the humor in it. Lately I’ve heard programs on the radio in which professional comedians found humor in their situations of dealing with their own cancer. Their laughter helped them to heal. If they can find humor in such a horrific situation, I can find it in this one. This setting is rife with insecure, pompous know-it-alls who get all worked up over meaningless details. Sounds like perfect fodder to me.

Taking a Turn for the Worse - Laughter, Please

My posts, mainly thoughtful and sedate up until now, are about to take a turn for the worst. I imagine that no one will really want to read them. I don't really care. I need write, because life right now is pretty sucky and there is no end in sight. Maybe in writing about the days I experience, which by and large are more unpleasant, frustrating, lonely, discouraging and stressful than just about anything else, I'll somehow see the humor in it all. One bright moment of laughter can change my mindset enough sometimes to help me make it through the rest of the day.

My job right now is the bane of my existence. I'm alternately jerked around and ignored; there is no middle point. I find myself at the bottom of the heap looking up people's asses. It's not a pretty view, and behold!, they're all human just like me. All insecure, trying to look like they know everything. When I can shed my misery, it's amusing. Sometimes I get a glimmer of compassion. I suppose that's what God wants. Surely, He's there, I tell myself. Perhaps He sees the humor; certainly He feels compassion. I wonder what use He has for me in this situation. In those few moments when I can rise out of bitterness and self-pity, I can actually believe something good might come of this.

That's why I have to work on the humor. It's light and I'm way too burdened by fear and insecurity. Not a point and laugh, humiliation sort of humor, if that's humor at all, but more like "oh aren't people ridiculous" as in Dilbert humor. Guess that's what I'll pray for tonight, seeing my prayers for other kinds of relief have been met with silence.