Since my return to New England and my family, I’ve begun to face some difficult truths.
I have returned to a closed family system. I am as shut out as I was when I lived a continent away. This should not be surprising, as it is the pattern down through the generations. Once on the outside, always on the outside. I’ve reached the conclusion that trying to change it would be unproductive, cause permanent damage to already fragile egos and relationships, and place unnecessary stress on myself. Accept it and do my best. Form new relationships that will make up for the lack of family intimacy.
I’m working to accept that my family shows no understanding or compassion toward me, my life, or the various situations I find myself in. It is all my fault, my doing, and I should put up with it or shut up. Beating myself up isn’t a bad idea either. I’m the one everyone loves to compare him/herself to because they will always come out on top.
With the exception of my parents, I am an integral part of no one’s life. After they die, this will be even more the case. As far as my family goes, I am here for two reasons: to spend more time with my parents in their final years, and to deal with matters regarding Camp, the family summer home. Camp is the one and only thing that will keep me communicating with anyone in my family after my parents die.
The abuse that I experienced early in life, partially at the hands of a family member, has shaped my life and patterns of interaction in some unfortunate ways. Nothing is going to change that. Again, something I can work to accept without liking it.
Perhaps I needed to be away for so long so that I could face these truths without totally going over the edge – and to say this: I returned so that I could learn to forgive. I have spent too much of my life in anger, bitterness and resentment, shutting people out and missing out in ways I can hardly imagine. To truly learn to forgive, I need to start with the earliest, and most horrendous, wrongs of my life. I’ve returned to face them, stare them down, and accept them without becoming a victim again.
A couple of caring people have pointed out to me recently that I have faced less than ideal conditions in the past few months. Nothing like stating the obvious, but their point is that I need to stop being so hard on myself. I’m doing my best. When the wind howls in my face it is not my doing. The best thing I can do for myself is to be good to myself, even with others aren’t – especially when they aren’t. I can treat myself with the understanding and compassion that I should get from my family but do not. And I can do that while forgiving them. Therein lies any future I may have.
Saturday, March 28, 2009
Thursday, March 5, 2009
On not being Dumped by God
For me right now, things are seem as bad as they ever have. In many ways, it appears as if God brought me back here to New England from California and dumped me. Family relationships are strained, my job is not going well and will probably end soon, my living situation isn’t great, and I haven’t established new relationships here yet and suffer from grinding loneliness. Plus, the weather has been just awful this winter.
As hard as it is, as depressed as I get sometimes – even bordering on suicidal - as hopeless as things seem in terms of my family, my career, and the possibility of ever getting married again, I know that spring is coming. I have found a church that I like. It’s vital and alive. One of its ministries is the Stephen Ministry, a peer counseling program. Stephen Ministers receive many hours of training to minister one on one, helping those going through difficult times. I’ve met twice with my Stephen Minister, and both times she has said that she doesn’t believe God brought me back here to dump me. I have to believe that too. I do believe it, even the midst of incredible negativity. I hold on to this belief with all I have, because right now it is the best I have, and I believe it comes from God.
I hardly know what to call this belief. Ray of hope, beacon of light, bright spot down the tunnel – none of those phrases quite work. It has less to do with light than with substance. It is more like rock than light. I can almost touch this thing, it’s so solid. Here is the KJ version of Hebrews 11:1 “Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen.” This faith is like a super hard polished stone that bounces enough reflected light back into my downtrodden spirit to move through another day without giving up despite all the messages coming from various quarters that I’m just not good enough. Those messages can’t penetrate this stone of faith.
Hear this: I am not giving up. And even if I sound like I am, I’m not.
As hard as it is, as depressed as I get sometimes – even bordering on suicidal - as hopeless as things seem in terms of my family, my career, and the possibility of ever getting married again, I know that spring is coming. I have found a church that I like. It’s vital and alive. One of its ministries is the Stephen Ministry, a peer counseling program. Stephen Ministers receive many hours of training to minister one on one, helping those going through difficult times. I’ve met twice with my Stephen Minister, and both times she has said that she doesn’t believe God brought me back here to dump me. I have to believe that too. I do believe it, even the midst of incredible negativity. I hold on to this belief with all I have, because right now it is the best I have, and I believe it comes from God.
I hardly know what to call this belief. Ray of hope, beacon of light, bright spot down the tunnel – none of those phrases quite work. It has less to do with light than with substance. It is more like rock than light. I can almost touch this thing, it’s so solid. Here is the KJ version of Hebrews 11:1 “Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen.” This faith is like a super hard polished stone that bounces enough reflected light back into my downtrodden spirit to move through another day without giving up despite all the messages coming from various quarters that I’m just not good enough. Those messages can’t penetrate this stone of faith.
Hear this: I am not giving up. And even if I sound like I am, I’m not.
Sunday, January 18, 2009
Changing my Mind about Facebook
I recently made a cross-country move alone, an amazing, wonderful, stressful and sometimes frightening life event. I now live in Massachusetts, near where I grew up, but far enough away for things to still seem new and novel. And I lived in California for 15 years, so much has changed. More to the point of this post, I no longer have close friends here from earlier in my life. Although all my family is here and I'm close to my sister, it's not the same as having friends.
I'll make them in time, I'm sure. In the meantime, I miss my friends in California terribly. When I think about them, sometimes tears spring to my eyes, tears of gratefulness, joy, and occasionally regret that I didn't pay more attention to them or spend more time with them.
When I left California, I determined to stay in touch with them. I've never been good at staying touch with people, so this has been a big challenge for me. How am I doing it? My main tool has been Facebook. This is surprising for me, because not too long ago, I really disliked Facebook. The one and only reason I set up a profile is that almost everything in my profession did it as well. Here is a piece of an email I wrote to a friend:
>>I fear I am just an old fuddy-duddy, but here is my rant about Facebook:
"Facebook is a social utility that connects you with the people around
you." Huh? Instead of talking to them, you greet them electronically
with some absurd pretend plant or emotion? How meaningful is that?
Another objection I have is that it becomes a competitive thing. Who has
the most connections, applications, communications, etc.? It's not about
real connection, it's a numbers game. Find everyone you have ever known
and "friend" them. If you happen to run into them in person, maybe they
will give you the time of day and maybe not.
Do I really care what someone I barely knew in high school is doing at
this moment?
Incredible time waster too.
It's a young people's thing, and that's fine with me. I don't get it and
have a hard time making it work for me. LinkedIn is good because the
basis for the relationship is clear.<<
I think I also mentioned later that it stinks in the usability department.
My views haven't entirely changed, although now I realize that Facebook for me is what I make it. I find it easy, fun and gratifying to keep of track my friends' activities. Hopefully they feel the same way about me. There are at least a couple of people who I feel I know better since I left because of the personal content they add to Facebook. Now I wish all my friends were on it.
No, I still don't agree with or buy into the competitive aspect. I only friend people I know or want to know personally and/or professionally. I share for the sake of sharing, not to one-up someone. I play the occasional game to connect as well as have fun. I still don't get, and probably never will, the giving of virtual gifts. And I haven't changed my mind about Facebook's usability issues.
Facebook is helping me maintain my California connections in an important and meaningful way. For that I am grateful. I look forward to using it to find and maintain connections here in New England as well.
I'll make them in time, I'm sure. In the meantime, I miss my friends in California terribly. When I think about them, sometimes tears spring to my eyes, tears of gratefulness, joy, and occasionally regret that I didn't pay more attention to them or spend more time with them.
When I left California, I determined to stay in touch with them. I've never been good at staying touch with people, so this has been a big challenge for me. How am I doing it? My main tool has been Facebook. This is surprising for me, because not too long ago, I really disliked Facebook. The one and only reason I set up a profile is that almost everything in my profession did it as well. Here is a piece of an email I wrote to a friend:
>>I fear I am just an old fuddy-duddy, but here is my rant about Facebook:
"Facebook is a social utility that connects you with the people around
you." Huh? Instead of talking to them, you greet them electronically
with some absurd pretend plant or emotion? How meaningful is that?
Another objection I have is that it becomes a competitive thing. Who has
the most connections, applications, communications, etc.? It's not about
real connection, it's a numbers game. Find everyone you have ever known
and "friend" them. If you happen to run into them in person, maybe they
will give you the time of day and maybe not.
Do I really care what someone I barely knew in high school is doing at
this moment?
Incredible time waster too.
It's a young people's thing, and that's fine with me. I don't get it and
have a hard time making it work for me. LinkedIn is good because the
basis for the relationship is clear.<<
I think I also mentioned later that it stinks in the usability department.
My views haven't entirely changed, although now I realize that Facebook for me is what I make it. I find it easy, fun and gratifying to keep of track my friends' activities. Hopefully they feel the same way about me. There are at least a couple of people who I feel I know better since I left because of the personal content they add to Facebook. Now I wish all my friends were on it.
No, I still don't agree with or buy into the competitive aspect. I only friend people I know or want to know personally and/or professionally. I share for the sake of sharing, not to one-up someone. I play the occasional game to connect as well as have fun. I still don't get, and probably never will, the giving of virtual gifts. And I haven't changed my mind about Facebook's usability issues.
Facebook is helping me maintain my California connections in an important and meaningful way. For that I am grateful. I look forward to using it to find and maintain connections here in New England as well.
Friday, January 2, 2009
Grace
My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness. - 2 Cor. 12:9
Recently I've been contemplating God's grace, a concept that I hadn't given much thought to before. These words of Dallas Willard are what started me down this road: "Grace is God acting in our lives to bring about what we do not deserve and cannot accomplish on our own." (How Does the Disciple Live?)
The promise of God's grace makes it possible for me to both surrender to His will and to feel confident in it. For a long time, when I tried to work out which way to go or what action to take in my life, I would think through all I knew and then pray about it, hoping to get some sort of direction. Often I do not, so I would make a decision and then remind myself that anything can happen. Depending on my mood, I would project the "anything" to be either bad or good. Now my practice is to make the commitment to God daily that I will surrender to His will and trust in His grace. After doing that, saying "anything can happen" brings a sense of wonder rather than a tendency to predict. Awareness of God's grace help me to let go and live in the present, totally trusting in God.
Recently I've been contemplating God's grace, a concept that I hadn't given much thought to before. These words of Dallas Willard are what started me down this road: "Grace is God acting in our lives to bring about what we do not deserve and cannot accomplish on our own." (How Does the Disciple Live?)
The promise of God's grace makes it possible for me to both surrender to His will and to feel confident in it. For a long time, when I tried to work out which way to go or what action to take in my life, I would think through all I knew and then pray about it, hoping to get some sort of direction. Often I do not, so I would make a decision and then remind myself that anything can happen. Depending on my mood, I would project the "anything" to be either bad or good. Now my practice is to make the commitment to God daily that I will surrender to His will and trust in His grace. After doing that, saying "anything can happen" brings a sense of wonder rather than a tendency to predict. Awareness of God's grace help me to let go and live in the present, totally trusting in God.
Wednesday, March 26, 2008
Days Like This
On days like this, I look and sound totally normal, just like everyone else, while my stomach churns, my feet feel like lead, and my heart burns with pain.
On days like this, Satan wins. I can see him clapping his hands in glee as I work hard to prepare for a meeting, only to get cut down.
On days like this, I forget I'm doing this not for me, but for some higher purpose that God has yet to reveal.
On days like this, I drown the ache of loneliness in alcohol, enjoying a bit of numbness and relief from the pain before I go to bed.
On days like this, the majority now, I continue the pattern of avoiding my friends. Most of them have made it clear they don't want to hear about it. The one friend who will listen is someone who I'm not really supposed to be talking to. But he is kind and patient, and listens without judgment and with compassion.
On days like this I still pray even though God doesn't seem to answer.
On days like this, Satan wins. I can see him clapping his hands in glee as I work hard to prepare for a meeting, only to get cut down.
On days like this, I forget I'm doing this not for me, but for some higher purpose that God has yet to reveal.
On days like this, I drown the ache of loneliness in alcohol, enjoying a bit of numbness and relief from the pain before I go to bed.
On days like this, the majority now, I continue the pattern of avoiding my friends. Most of them have made it clear they don't want to hear about it. The one friend who will listen is someone who I'm not really supposed to be talking to. But he is kind and patient, and listens without judgment and with compassion.
On days like this I still pray even though God doesn't seem to answer.
Monday, March 17, 2008
Working Towards a Better Outlook
Things feel pretty bad for me lately - I truly hate my job and my personal life has basically fallen apart because of that. I have to try hard to hold it together, and it's difficult work. Depression and self-pity are never very far away. But working through this is preferable to giving up.
It is very sucky when those above me play favorites and I get ignored. The good news for the moment is that at least I’m not getting negative attention. What I believe I need to do is to redirect my own attention to what I must do to get out of here. If I dwell on this issue, I deal with it in less than an adult way. There is nothing I can do about it.
And as far as my taking it to mean that I am "less than", that if I were different or “better” I would get the attention and approval I seek - that line of thought does not deserve to be followed. God made me who I am for reasons of His own. He values me and loves me as much as anyone else. His plan for me uses my unique personality, abilities, and talents.
I have a tendency to deny my own worth based on someone else’s shitty treatment of me. Why take that on myself? Admit how much it hurts, sympathize with myself, and move away from it. It’s a hard thing to do, especially when it’s in my face so much. So here are some suggestions I make to myself:
- As it’s happening, when it’s in my face especially – but also in other times when it’s getting me down, remind myself that God love me so much. He delights in me, and his love and faithfulness matter a whole lot more than the approvals of these jerks I’m dealing with.
- Come up with a plan to get out of here and remind myself I’m headed back to
- Focus on those tasks and skills that will help me get out of here. Put my energies into them. Do my best, and remind myself why I’m doing them and how they will benefit both myself and others, even if no one ever acknowledges them.
- Remember that God can make good use of this sucky stuff. There is pain, but there is also gain. Growth will result from this.
- Running under the radar isn’t necessarily a bad thing. Away from scrutiny, I can do my own thing and perhaps feel a bit freer to be myself.
- As I said in my last post, look for the humor in it. Lately I’ve heard programs on the radio in which professional comedians found humor in their situations of dealing with their own cancer. Their laughter helped them to heal. If they can find humor in such a horrific situation, I can find it in this one. This setting is rife with insecure, pompous know-it-alls who get all worked up over meaningless details. Sounds like perfect fodder to me.
Thursday, March 13, 2008
Taking a Turn for the Worse - Laughter, Please
My posts, mainly thoughtful and sedate up until now, are about to take a turn for the worst. I imagine that no one will really want to read them. I don't really care. I need write, because life right now is pretty sucky and there is no end in sight. Maybe in writing about the days I experience, which by and large are more unpleasant, frustrating, lonely, discouraging and stressful than just about anything else, I'll somehow see the humor in it all. One bright moment of laughter can change my mindset enough sometimes to help me make it through the rest of the day.
My job right now is the bane of my existence. I'm alternately jerked around and ignored; there is no middle point. I find myself at the bottom of the heap looking up people's asses. It's not a pretty view, and behold!, they're all human just like me. All insecure, trying to look like they know everything. When I can shed my misery, it's amusing. Sometimes I get a glimmer of compassion. I suppose that's what God wants. Surely, He's there, I tell myself. Perhaps He sees the humor; certainly He feels compassion. I wonder what use He has for me in this situation. In those few moments when I can rise out of bitterness and self-pity, I can actually believe something good might come of this.
That's why I have to work on the humor. It's light and I'm way too burdened by fear and insecurity. Not a point and laugh, humiliation sort of humor, if that's humor at all, but more like "oh aren't people ridiculous" as in Dilbert humor. Guess that's what I'll pray for tonight, seeing my prayers for other kinds of relief have been met with silence.
My job right now is the bane of my existence. I'm alternately jerked around and ignored; there is no middle point. I find myself at the bottom of the heap looking up people's asses. It's not a pretty view, and behold!, they're all human just like me. All insecure, trying to look like they know everything. When I can shed my misery, it's amusing. Sometimes I get a glimmer of compassion. I suppose that's what God wants. Surely, He's there, I tell myself. Perhaps He sees the humor; certainly He feels compassion. I wonder what use He has for me in this situation. In those few moments when I can rise out of bitterness and self-pity, I can actually believe something good might come of this.
That's why I have to work on the humor. It's light and I'm way too burdened by fear and insecurity. Not a point and laugh, humiliation sort of humor, if that's humor at all, but more like "oh aren't people ridiculous" as in Dilbert humor. Guess that's what I'll pray for tonight, seeing my prayers for other kinds of relief have been met with silence.
Wednesday, January 9, 2008
Meaning in Ecclesiastes
Apart from the characters and their stories, Old Testament reading can be slow going for me. Recently I tried making my way through the Minor Prophets. I’m ashamed to say I didn’t get much out of it, except for an enhanced appreciation of Biblical imagery and poetry and a big reminder of God’s anger, judgment, and mercy.
Deciding to break from the Prophets, I felt led to the Wisdom Literature. I wondered about this. In the past I found books like Proverbs and Ecclesiastes to be discouraging and depressing, full of truths and suggestions I couldn’t live up to, and diatribes about the pointlessness of every day life. But God guided me to Ecclesiastes anyway, so there I went.
This is important to me because I have tried to get my To Do list together and keep it updated. I have tried to accomplish everything, stay open to new ideas and be eternally flexible while still establishing boundaries. I can’t do it – I know because I had the perfect opportunity to try: Extended time off work with pay. There’s too much. It’s a swirl, and when I try to totally organize it, I go nuts with frustration. Impossible.
Here is my lesson from this time in my life. Love and trust God, take a deep breath, and listen. Relax, do what I am led to do through His guidance and my own intelligence and common sense. The rest has to go. Not without some initial frustration and perhaps later regret at times. I will have to live with some ambiguity. But God puts meaning to it all, even the part I’ve let go. How beautiful, simple and real.
I'm very thankful for this Old Testament book that God is opening up to me.
Saturday, October 13, 2007
Feeling Grateful: Gore & the Red Sox
Life is so good.
Al Gore & colleagues won the Nobel Peace Prize. Way to go, Al! How proud I am to share his name.
My beloved Red Sox decisively won game 1 of the AL Championship Series against the Cleveland Indians. Way to go, Bo Sox! As in 2004, I'll be wearing my Sox team cap and red socks whenever possible. I plan to sleep in my 2004 Red Sox World Series Champions t-shirt.
I am very glad that these things can make me happy at a very uncertain time in my life. I recall four dark years not so long ago when I prayed each night to die in my sleep and then awoke in the morning feeling angry that I was still alive. Sure, the ups and downs of losing my job and going it alone in life can weigh me down. But if I can feel joy over these events then I'm doing pretty well.
The choir is singing in church tonight. Yes, life is good!
Al Gore & colleagues won the Nobel Peace Prize. Way to go, Al! How proud I am to share his name.
My beloved Red Sox decisively won game 1 of the AL Championship Series against the Cleveland Indians. Way to go, Bo Sox! As in 2004, I'll be wearing my Sox team cap and red socks whenever possible. I plan to sleep in my 2004 Red Sox World Series Champions t-shirt.
I am very glad that these things can make me happy at a very uncertain time in my life. I recall four dark years not so long ago when I prayed each night to die in my sleep and then awoke in the morning feeling angry that I was still alive. Sure, the ups and downs of losing my job and going it alone in life can weigh me down. But if I can feel joy over these events then I'm doing pretty well.
The choir is singing in church tonight. Yes, life is good!
Wednesday, October 10, 2007
A Clear Mind
God wants me to open myself up to him by clearning away the debris of anxieties, cares, to-do's. If I can clear a path through those - the wider the better - He will honor that effort and make his way in.
Previously I had thought that the worries themselves were some sort of conduit that God was using to speak to me. Perhaps he does use those things to teach me sometimes. But He doesn't need them - He wants to speak to me directly and more often than not all the junk of life threatens to drown Him out. Spirit to spirit communication is what He wants, albeit a great spirit to a much lesser one.
When I commune with God through prayer and meditation, a clear mind is best. I can then rest in Him and open myself to truly listen to Him.
Previously I had thought that the worries themselves were some sort of conduit that God was using to speak to me. Perhaps he does use those things to teach me sometimes. But He doesn't need them - He wants to speak to me directly and more often than not all the junk of life threatens to drown Him out. Spirit to spirit communication is what He wants, albeit a great spirit to a much lesser one.
When I commune with God through prayer and meditation, a clear mind is best. I can then rest in Him and open myself to truly listen to Him.
Wednesday, July 25, 2007
Marriage and Children - Life Decisions
Last weekend I went to my nephew/future niece-in-law's wedding shower. I was the only female in my generation who was single. I don't mind at all being without children; I do mind the social ostracization that goes with being both single and childless.
Choosing not to have children is one of the few major decisions in my life that I truly thought out, and except for a random minute now and then (totalling no more than 5), I have had no regrets. Unlike so many people with and without children, I chose my parental status with eyes open. I have great respect for those who did the same, whether or not they are parents. Most of those people are happy with their status as well.
Of course those who truly wanted children with reasonable expectations are respected. People like me are judged and scorned, called selfish and childhaters. Yes, it bothers me - but whatever. This is one area where I truly believe I've followed God's will for my life. Heck, I ruined my marriage by my bad behavior, and I continue to suffer the consequences, make poor choices, and have an attitude about men and marriage that just sucks. So at least I made one good decision that I don't have to worry about while trying to clean up after that bad ones.
Choosing not to have children is one of the few major decisions in my life that I truly thought out, and except for a random minute now and then (totalling no more than 5), I have had no regrets. Unlike so many people with and without children, I chose my parental status with eyes open. I have great respect for those who did the same, whether or not they are parents. Most of those people are happy with their status as well.
Of course those who truly wanted children with reasonable expectations are respected. People like me are judged and scorned, called selfish and childhaters. Yes, it bothers me - but whatever. This is one area where I truly believe I've followed God's will for my life. Heck, I ruined my marriage by my bad behavior, and I continue to suffer the consequences, make poor choices, and have an attitude about men and marriage that just sucks. So at least I made one good decision that I don't have to worry about while trying to clean up after that bad ones.
Friday, July 20, 2007
Aging, The Ordinary, and Gratefulness
As I approach my 50th birthday, I have been contemplating the negative and positive effects of aging more and more while I experience them. As we age, our preferences in reading material, music, food, movies, leisure activities in general, and so many other things begin to narrow. I used to eat just about anything and enjoy all types of music, but my tolerance for bad food and raucous music has diminished to a pinpoint.
Yet I have found that in some ways, just the opposite may occur, in that I am pleased even more by the simple and ordinary things of life that I used to take for granted.
Here I am at my family's summer place on a quiet lake in central New Hampshire. The sun has been absent the past few days, replaced by thick clouds and occasional showers. It's humid and dank. The towel I used to dry myself after yesterday's shower is still damp.
In my childhood, days like this, especially two or more in a row stuck in a smallish cabin with my family – no swimming, limited boating and uncomfortable hiking - would be cause for much stress and unhappiness. After all, those were the activities we traveled here for.
In contrast, I have savored these past few days. I have sat on the porch reading and writing, frequently looking up to view the changing scene before me. The morphing cloud formations, the march of rain across the lake, the clouds lifting to reveal the Belknap Mountains miles away. Taking a stretch break, I stand on the deck and breathe deeply, taking in the scent of the moist pine tress around me and the carpet of pine needles on the ground. Crouching on the dock, I watch minnows swim by in the clear water, and a mussel or two moving along the sandy bottom at a glacial pace. On the rocky beach, I observe for the umpteenth time in my life how much more beautiful the rocks are in the water than on dry land, the variety of colors more intense when wet.
I sit. I may think or pray, although just being is more than good enough. I am grateful. These ordinary God-given things that surround me fill me with deep joy and thanksgiving.
Yet I have found that in some ways, just the opposite may occur, in that I am pleased even more by the simple and ordinary things of life that I used to take for granted.
Here I am at my family's summer place on a quiet lake in central New Hampshire. The sun has been absent the past few days, replaced by thick clouds and occasional showers. It's humid and dank. The towel I used to dry myself after yesterday's shower is still damp.
In my childhood, days like this, especially two or more in a row stuck in a smallish cabin with my family – no swimming, limited boating and uncomfortable hiking - would be cause for much stress and unhappiness. After all, those were the activities we traveled here for.
In contrast, I have savored these past few days. I have sat on the porch reading and writing, frequently looking up to view the changing scene before me. The morphing cloud formations, the march of rain across the lake, the clouds lifting to reveal the Belknap Mountains miles away. Taking a stretch break, I stand on the deck and breathe deeply, taking in the scent of the moist pine tress around me and the carpet of pine needles on the ground. Crouching on the dock, I watch minnows swim by in the clear water, and a mussel or two moving along the sandy bottom at a glacial pace. On the rocky beach, I observe for the umpteenth time in my life how much more beautiful the rocks are in the water than on dry land, the variety of colors more intense when wet.
I sit. I may think or pray, although just being is more than good enough. I am grateful. These ordinary God-given things that surround me fill me with deep joy and thanksgiving.
Sunday, June 3, 2007
Saturday Night Fellowship
At the urging of some friends, I approached my church's connection center about forming a Saturday evening fellowship. My vision is to form an informal group of Christians to share discussion and an activity (like a meal) after the Saturday service, keeping up the momentum from the service. Any adult would be welcome, and children too if they're accompanied by an adult. No limits on demographics.
I got a call a few days later from a volunteer with the singles ministry. He tried to redirect me to other groups, none of which meet on Saturday, and all directed at singles he believes are my age. I told him what I was trying to do, and he said he would pass it along to the intern minister of the singles ministry.
Lonely Single Woman Without Date on Saturday Night Looks to Form Group. I could just hear the headline in his head.
That was two weeks ago and I've heard nothing. I'm not going to let it go though. I will find a better approach and the right person to talk to, not in the singles ministry. If I have to, I'll form it myself using Craigslist and Yahoo Groups but that's fraught with dangers. I'd much rather do it through the church. No, not giving up yet.
I got a call a few days later from a volunteer with the singles ministry. He tried to redirect me to other groups, none of which meet on Saturday, and all directed at singles he believes are my age. I told him what I was trying to do, and he said he would pass it along to the intern minister of the singles ministry.
Lonely Single Woman Without Date on Saturday Night Looks to Form Group. I could just hear the headline in his head.
That was two weeks ago and I've heard nothing. I'm not going to let it go though. I will find a better approach and the right person to talk to, not in the singles ministry. If I have to, I'll form it myself using Craigslist and Yahoo Groups but that's fraught with dangers. I'd much rather do it through the church. No, not giving up yet.
Sunday, May 20, 2007
Jerry Falwell
Jerry Falwell, one of the originators of the Christian Right, died last week. I can't say that I mourn him, but his death made me rethink my feelings about him and his views.
Falwell became vocal in national politics during my former life as a Christian at Houghton College. Even at that time I was put off by his views, although I never would have admitted it. Later, when I virtually turned my back on fundamentalist Christianity and ultimately, religion in general, I realized how repulsed I was by just about everything Falwell said.
Since I've returned to evangelical Christianity, I've become much more tolerant of fundamentalist views, although I don't embrace them. One might think that I would have become equally tolerant of Jerry Falwell.
Now, after his death, I'm realizing I did not become more tolerant of him, but he did not make me any angrier either. He bravely said some mighty stupid things, but I recognize that he has played an important role. He got people thinking and talking. I still don't respect him and I don't like the polarization he helped to create. But in his own way, he brought God's word to millions of people.
No, I don't respect him; in fact, I feel a bit sorry for him, don't ask me why. I guess I feel sorry for people who live in small boxes, and his seemed pretty small. However, I am grateful to him for making me consider my own beliefs more carefully.
Falwell became vocal in national politics during my former life as a Christian at Houghton College. Even at that time I was put off by his views, although I never would have admitted it. Later, when I virtually turned my back on fundamentalist Christianity and ultimately, religion in general, I realized how repulsed I was by just about everything Falwell said.
Since I've returned to evangelical Christianity, I've become much more tolerant of fundamentalist views, although I don't embrace them. One might think that I would have become equally tolerant of Jerry Falwell.
Now, after his death, I'm realizing I did not become more tolerant of him, but he did not make me any angrier either. He bravely said some mighty stupid things, but I recognize that he has played an important role. He got people thinking and talking. I still don't respect him and I don't like the polarization he helped to create. But in his own way, he brought God's word to millions of people.
No, I don't respect him; in fact, I feel a bit sorry for him, don't ask me why. I guess I feel sorry for people who live in small boxes, and his seemed pretty small. However, I am grateful to him for making me consider my own beliefs more carefully.
Thursday, May 10, 2007
The Sabbath (again)
I've been doing a lot of thinking about how I observe the Sabbath, and how I can better observe it. No big answers yet about the latter. On a usual weekend, my Sabbath starts between 3:30 and 4:00 Saturday afternoon. I start getting ready for church and attend the 5:00 service. That part is great. I like going then, it's a good atmosphere, and the singing and preaching are fulfilling.
Unfortunately a letdown follows the service. I realize for the umpteenth time that I'm at loose ends on a Saturday night, which to me has always been a time to have fun and/or relax. These days I just feel achingly grindingly lonely. From time to time, I do go out to dinner with friends, which is fine but exhausting. My best Saturday nights were spent with my significant other going out for dinner and maybe a movie or a concert, or going home to watch a video, play games, or just relax. But my significant other is gone and I'm not even looking to replace him.
So then I may go home and cook, which is work (at least the cleaning up part) or I tear my hair out deciding where I can go out to eat alone that doesn't feel uncomfortable. Inevitably I drink too much to numb out and then watch a movie or stupid TV because I'm too tired to do anything else. If not for that, Sunday morning would be fine since I usually hike then, a nice long hike in a beautiful place. But the effects of the previous evening usually make me feel sluggish and not too good about myself. After the hike I come home and get ready for the week so Sabbath is pretty much over at that point.
I don't think this is what God intends for the Sabbath. It's supposed to be a time of rejuvenation. I honestly don't know how to make that happen. I've prayed about it, but God is making me wait for the answer. Meanwhile, another Saturday night approaches.
Unfortunately a letdown follows the service. I realize for the umpteenth time that I'm at loose ends on a Saturday night, which to me has always been a time to have fun and/or relax. These days I just feel achingly grindingly lonely. From time to time, I do go out to dinner with friends, which is fine but exhausting. My best Saturday nights were spent with my significant other going out for dinner and maybe a movie or a concert, or going home to watch a video, play games, or just relax. But my significant other is gone and I'm not even looking to replace him.
So then I may go home and cook, which is work (at least the cleaning up part) or I tear my hair out deciding where I can go out to eat alone that doesn't feel uncomfortable. Inevitably I drink too much to numb out and then watch a movie or stupid TV because I'm too tired to do anything else. If not for that, Sunday morning would be fine since I usually hike then, a nice long hike in a beautiful place. But the effects of the previous evening usually make me feel sluggish and not too good about myself. After the hike I come home and get ready for the week so Sabbath is pretty much over at that point.
I don't think this is what God intends for the Sabbath. It's supposed to be a time of rejuvenation. I honestly don't know how to make that happen. I've prayed about it, but God is making me wait for the answer. Meanwhile, another Saturday night approaches.
Sunday, April 22, 2007
Thoughts on Volunteering
This weekend was my church's Compassion Weekend, when we have the opportunity to go out and work on one or more volunteer projects in the community. It's a great program, encouraging us as Christians to serve in our community. I was very much looking forward to the experience. I signed up to volunteer in a resident home for senior citizens. I was sure the experience would be just wonderful for both me and the seniors. I was all ready to sign up for it on an ongoing basis, so convinced was I that this was what God wanted me to do.
Then reality intruded.
It didn't happen until after the activity leader gave his intro and told us what we would be doing. It sounded great to me - a short service with the seniors followed by visiting time. The leader said we would pair up with a resident and would probably feel drawn toward one of them, a sort God-made match-up. Cool, I thought.
As soon as we filed into the community room where the seniors were waiting for the service to start, I intuited it was not going to happen that way for me. For one thing, there were way more volunteers than residents, and about a third of us were without a senior. This was fine for the service, but afterwards was very awkward. Volunteers with a senior didn't seem to want to share. After a few moments, more seniors were brought in and the numbers began to even out. When I started approaching seniors without volunteers, I soon realized they had been left, that is, volunteers had been with them already and moved on for one reason or another. Some couldn't communicate or were out of it. Others couldn't speak English.
The remainder of the time was extremely awkward for me and generated a lot of negative thoughts on my part, which I'm still processing. I found myself wallowing in much self-doubt, feeling like the introverted social misfit that I was labeled as a child. Perhaps as a defense mechanism, or just in an effort to look at the situation honestly and stop berating myself, I took a long hard look around me.
Most of the volunteers were women - no big surprise there. I watched their behavior and I realized 1)that's not me and 2) I don't want that to be me. I'm not putting them down - they were very caring and nuturing. But some were treating the seniors like children, and others seemed overly familiar with them (they were all strangers to us). As they hovered around trying to give all the nurturing they could, all I could think of was: If I were one of those seniors, I would feel overwhelmed. And probably not with gratefulness. Gosh, I was overwhemed myself. It seemed like a competition for their attention.
The more I consider this situation, the more wrong it seems to me. And it was going to repeat three more times during the weekend in that same place. Many of those seniors were exhausted come lunch time.
I am cynical, I know. But I must be honest. It seemed to me that we were doing this more for ourselves than anyone else. So we could participate, so we could feel good about ourselves, so we could serve God. To be fair, I do believe I'm projecting a lot of my negative feelings onto my fellow participants. I also believe people were helped and God was served this weekend.
Near the end, a resident came in whom I spoke with for quite some time. By that time, many of the volunteers had already left, so I conversed with this woman uninterrupted. She seemed to enjoy the conversation and so did I.
I am first and foremost a one-on-one person. I enjoy relationship building. I like getting to know people - everyone has a story, most want to tell it, and I want to hear it. I don't deal well with groups; I get lost and confused and ultimately exhausted. I supposed that this activity would fit my strengths better, and perhaps on an ongoing basis, without a large group of other volunteers, it would.
Upon further reflection, I found myself thinking about the two times this week I've volunteered to help someone with their English. One is a woman I met at the senior home, oddly enough another volunteer. The other is man I know through a professional organization. I don't know why I offered to do this for them; I just found myself offering to help when they expressed a need. Is this still the Lord's work? I do think He led me to offer my help. I have a strong interest in communication, am fascinated by language, and am intrigued by other cultures. The thought of helping these people grow by improving their communication skills appeals to me because they need it, and I believe I can help. We will see where this goes.
I have learned much about volunteering this week. Not what I thought I would, but good lessons all the same. Isn't that often how God works?
Then reality intruded.
It didn't happen until after the activity leader gave his intro and told us what we would be doing. It sounded great to me - a short service with the seniors followed by visiting time. The leader said we would pair up with a resident and would probably feel drawn toward one of them, a sort God-made match-up. Cool, I thought.
As soon as we filed into the community room where the seniors were waiting for the service to start, I intuited it was not going to happen that way for me. For one thing, there were way more volunteers than residents, and about a third of us were without a senior. This was fine for the service, but afterwards was very awkward. Volunteers with a senior didn't seem to want to share. After a few moments, more seniors were brought in and the numbers began to even out. When I started approaching seniors without volunteers, I soon realized they had been left, that is, volunteers had been with them already and moved on for one reason or another. Some couldn't communicate or were out of it. Others couldn't speak English.
The remainder of the time was extremely awkward for me and generated a lot of negative thoughts on my part, which I'm still processing. I found myself wallowing in much self-doubt, feeling like the introverted social misfit that I was labeled as a child. Perhaps as a defense mechanism, or just in an effort to look at the situation honestly and stop berating myself, I took a long hard look around me.
Most of the volunteers were women - no big surprise there. I watched their behavior and I realized 1)that's not me and 2) I don't want that to be me. I'm not putting them down - they were very caring and nuturing. But some were treating the seniors like children, and others seemed overly familiar with them (they were all strangers to us). As they hovered around trying to give all the nurturing they could, all I could think of was: If I were one of those seniors, I would feel overwhelmed. And probably not with gratefulness. Gosh, I was overwhemed myself. It seemed like a competition for their attention.
The more I consider this situation, the more wrong it seems to me. And it was going to repeat three more times during the weekend in that same place. Many of those seniors were exhausted come lunch time.
I am cynical, I know. But I must be honest. It seemed to me that we were doing this more for ourselves than anyone else. So we could participate, so we could feel good about ourselves, so we could serve God. To be fair, I do believe I'm projecting a lot of my negative feelings onto my fellow participants. I also believe people were helped and God was served this weekend.
Near the end, a resident came in whom I spoke with for quite some time. By that time, many of the volunteers had already left, so I conversed with this woman uninterrupted. She seemed to enjoy the conversation and so did I.
I am first and foremost a one-on-one person. I enjoy relationship building. I like getting to know people - everyone has a story, most want to tell it, and I want to hear it. I don't deal well with groups; I get lost and confused and ultimately exhausted. I supposed that this activity would fit my strengths better, and perhaps on an ongoing basis, without a large group of other volunteers, it would.
Upon further reflection, I found myself thinking about the two times this week I've volunteered to help someone with their English. One is a woman I met at the senior home, oddly enough another volunteer. The other is man I know through a professional organization. I don't know why I offered to do this for them; I just found myself offering to help when they expressed a need. Is this still the Lord's work? I do think He led me to offer my help. I have a strong interest in communication, am fascinated by language, and am intrigued by other cultures. The thought of helping these people grow by improving their communication skills appeals to me because they need it, and I believe I can help. We will see where this goes.
I have learned much about volunteering this week. Not what I thought I would, but good lessons all the same. Isn't that often how God works?
Saturday, April 14, 2007
Remember the Sabbath
After he created the world, God rested for a bit. Jesus made time for rest; his ministry was draining, and he needed time to pray and commune with the Father to regain his strength. Observing the Sabbath is a commandment, the fourth one, I think. In Jesus' time, there were certain Jews who made observing it onerous - one really couldn't do much of anything that could possibly be construed as work without being punished by the authorities.
Now it seems we have little or no Sabbath at all. The Protestant work ethic takes over; we work our fingers to the bone for God, our loved ones, and our fellow humans and wonder why we are so dang tired.
I definitely struggle with this problem. A whole day off? How could I possibly manage that? Yeah, from work, but what about my chores and other commitments? And what does it mean anyway? "Remember the Sabbath day by keeping it holy. Six days you shall labor and do all your work, but the seventh day is a Sabbath to the LORD your God. On it you shall not do any work..." (Exodus 20: 8-10) Seems clear enough. But how is work defined? What if I love my job? Or what if everything seems like work? Or are we supposed to be in church all day? After a couple of weeks of that, I would definitely not look forward to the next Sabbath. Don't get me wrong - I enjoy attending church and find it revitalizing. But only for an hour or two.
Perhaps I hit the nail on the head in that last line. Worship, prayer, meditation, rest, recreation - all revitalizing activities that are appropriate for the Sabbath. Things that get me away from the constant chatter in my mind about what's next; that constant push.
I've long believed, even when I wasn't a practicing Christian, that if I have my priorities straight and follow through with them to the best of my ability, then everything else will fall into place, at least as much as it can in this lfe. Actually putting that belief into practice has happened seldom in my life. It takes faith, patience, and sometimes courage to make the Sabbath time a priority.
Maybe it's not a whole day per week. (But Jews who had much harder lives than us did it, so why can't we?) Maybe it's a few hours on a Sunday or Saturday afternoon, and then every few weeks make it up with several days. Whatever. God gave us this commandment for very good reasons. We need time off regularly. Whatever becomes work needs to be put down for a time while we rest our minds and bodies.
Yesterday I attended a talk by Mark Miller of Chick-fil-A, a company that closes its offices and all its restaurants on each and every Sunday. And they're opening 75 new restaurants a month, so they're doing very well. My cynical thought when he told us this was, "OK, but what are the other six days like? Are you going nuts all the time catching up?" Now I'm thinking if that were the case, they would have softened that practice. But they haven't. It works for them.
I want to try and make observing the Sabbath work for me.
Now it seems we have little or no Sabbath at all. The Protestant work ethic takes over; we work our fingers to the bone for God, our loved ones, and our fellow humans and wonder why we are so dang tired.
I definitely struggle with this problem. A whole day off? How could I possibly manage that? Yeah, from work, but what about my chores and other commitments? And what does it mean anyway? "Remember the Sabbath day by keeping it holy. Six days you shall labor and do all your work, but the seventh day is a Sabbath to the LORD your God. On it you shall not do any work..." (Exodus 20: 8-10) Seems clear enough. But how is work defined? What if I love my job? Or what if everything seems like work? Or are we supposed to be in church all day? After a couple of weeks of that, I would definitely not look forward to the next Sabbath. Don't get me wrong - I enjoy attending church and find it revitalizing. But only for an hour or two.
Perhaps I hit the nail on the head in that last line. Worship, prayer, meditation, rest, recreation - all revitalizing activities that are appropriate for the Sabbath. Things that get me away from the constant chatter in my mind about what's next; that constant push.
I've long believed, even when I wasn't a practicing Christian, that if I have my priorities straight and follow through with them to the best of my ability, then everything else will fall into place, at least as much as it can in this lfe. Actually putting that belief into practice has happened seldom in my life. It takes faith, patience, and sometimes courage to make the Sabbath time a priority.
Maybe it's not a whole day per week. (But Jews who had much harder lives than us did it, so why can't we?) Maybe it's a few hours on a Sunday or Saturday afternoon, and then every few weeks make it up with several days. Whatever. God gave us this commandment for very good reasons. We need time off regularly. Whatever becomes work needs to be put down for a time while we rest our minds and bodies.
Yesterday I attended a talk by Mark Miller of Chick-fil-A, a company that closes its offices and all its restaurants on each and every Sunday. And they're opening 75 new restaurants a month, so they're doing very well. My cynical thought when he told us this was, "OK, but what are the other six days like? Are you going nuts all the time catching up?" Now I'm thinking if that were the case, they would have softened that practice. But they haven't. It works for them.
I want to try and make observing the Sabbath work for me.
Why this Blog?
Indeed. I am driven to write, and I have many journals that I write in on an irregular basis. I already have a blog about scrapbooking and have long railed against "self-centered" blogs that focus on nothing in particular and are basically online journals. OK, so I've done an about-face. This will be a self-centered blog, make no mistake!
The difference for me between posting to this blog and writing in my journal is that it's more public. There is actually a chance that someone will read my posts, although it is a very small chance. I may give out the URL to those I trust. This all is step, albeit a small one, out of my very small and private self, and a place to voice my thoughts where someone may actually listen.
The difference for me between posting to this blog and writing in my journal is that it's more public. There is actually a chance that someone will read my posts, although it is a very small chance. I may give out the URL to those I trust. This all is step, albeit a small one, out of my very small and private self, and a place to voice my thoughts where someone may actually listen.
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